To help you understand how devastating the effects of PAS affected me, let me share a few examples from my life. I learned emotional numbing is one way PAS is experienced. It is a way of keeping my emotions numb to pain. When thoughts of guilt and shame related to my abortion entered my mind, I pushed them away and refused to feel. I detached myself from those emotions. Over time I was so good at numbing and detaching, I truly thought my abortion didn’t bother me. I was deceived. Now I know my emotions were merely buried and frozen within me. Had I been in touch with them, I would have realized my thoughts and actions portrayed a different story. Within months of my abortion, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts about having children. If I saw a baby, in a picture or in person, I was drawn to it. Consequently within a year of my abortion, I married and gave birth to my daughter. During the process of giving birth, my post-abortion trauma was triggered. The first time I saw my baby girl, I wanted to run away. I had serious doubts about being a mother. I was overwhelmed with my feelings and my reaction toward my baby. I was in shock. Another post abortion symptom revealed itself, an inability to bond with my child.  Not understanding what was happening to me, guilt and shame overwhelmed me. I could no longer push away the thoughts flooding my mind. I was preoccupied with thoughts such as: You are a terrible mother.  You should be ashamed of how you feel about your own child. I felt so ashamed! Initially, my precious baby daughter was a visual reminder of the thoughts playing inside my head. At first I did not want to touch her. I was afraid of her. Thankfully my feelings leveled out, and I was able to mother her. However I continued to live under the effects of Post-Abortion Syndrome and felt like a failure. I hated feeling like a failure, and increased my efforts to be a better mother. I tried to be perfect. It was stressful, but I did not know what else to do. I desperately wanted to find joy in being a mother, and I wanted to be a good mother.  As my daughter grew up, there were some of the best and worst years of my life. Ultimately because of the love I had for my beloved daughter, I was able to accept the love Jesus offered me.

     I invited Jesus into my life and over time my relationship with Him grew strong, and I placed my trust in Him. Through circumstances and His design, I enrolled in a Bible study group for post-abortive women.  During the study I was broken-hearted as God’s truth unfolded and the truth behind my self-destructive past emerged. I realized how wrong I had been to choose abortion and for the first time, how traumatized and deeply wounded I was. This is where I learned about Post-Abortion Syndrome and its deadly effects.  My journey was painful, enlightening, and healing. I learned to mourn the loss of my baby’s life and my life. God’s grace offered me a chance for a new life of freedom, hope and restoration. Because I accepted His offer, I now enjoy a balanced life rich in joy, confidence, and health!